Decision Made

Saturday 23rd January, the day we have decided to let our girl finally go.

I don't know how to feel at the moment part of me knows that this has to happen and a big part of me doesn't want to do it I don't want to let her go it feels like it is happening all over again, and it hurts I don't know how I will go on Saturday it make me feel sick to the stomach just to think about the days proceedings.

I worry about how my three other kids will cope with the day and how to be strong for them but also work my feelings out.

Coming to this date was a hard one and very frustrating with people asking me all the time when is the service and what will be happening what do you need to do all question that I had know answers to I have never had to bury a child before and I hope to never have to do it again. It is just so damn frustrating that some people can not understand that this decision was hard enough on its own then to constantly be asked all the time.

Anyway the date is set now and I guess I will just have to accept that I can not keep her where she is for ever and that this is something that has to be done no matter how much it hurts.

Emily's name written in the stars

I just recieved Emily's name written in the stars I love it thank you to Amanda McHady from Written in the stars for this gift

It Hurts it really bloody hurts

Last night for some reason I couldn't stop going over and over the day I lost and had Emily it was playing over and over again in my head and the tears where flowing uncontrollably.

Nothing in particular started me off I just went to bed and started thinking, all the things I should be doing now I should be 8 mths pregnant now I should be getting ready for the arrival of my baby girl and I should be excited but instead I'm hurting so much I just want to scream, I can't get my head around the fact that my baby is gone and ill never get to hold her alive.

Why was she taking from me ?????

I would rather have Emily here with me, nothing that may or may not have be wrong with her would hurt as much as losing her I'm her mother and I could have handled it that's my job.

I'm hurting and I don't know how to stop.....