Decision Made

Saturday 23rd January, the day we have decided to let our girl finally go.

I don't know how to feel at the moment part of me knows that this has to happen and a big part of me doesn't want to do it I don't want to let her go it feels like it is happening all over again, and it hurts I don't know how I will go on Saturday it make me feel sick to the stomach just to think about the days proceedings.

I worry about how my three other kids will cope with the day and how to be strong for them but also work my feelings out.

Coming to this date was a hard one and very frustrating with people asking me all the time when is the service and what will be happening what do you need to do all question that I had know answers to I have never had to bury a child before and I hope to never have to do it again. It is just so damn frustrating that some people can not understand that this decision was hard enough on its own then to constantly be asked all the time.

Anyway the date is set now and I guess I will just have to accept that I can not keep her where she is for ever and that this is something that has to be done no matter how much it hurts.

Emily's name written in the stars

I just recieved Emily's name written in the stars I love it thank you to Amanda McHady from Written in the stars for this gift

It Hurts it really bloody hurts

Last night for some reason I couldn't stop going over and over the day I lost and had Emily it was playing over and over again in my head and the tears where flowing uncontrollably.

Nothing in particular started me off I just went to bed and started thinking, all the things I should be doing now I should be 8 mths pregnant now I should be getting ready for the arrival of my baby girl and I should be excited but instead I'm hurting so much I just want to scream, I can't get my head around the fact that my baby is gone and ill never get to hold her alive.

Why was she taking from me ?????

I would rather have Emily here with me, nothing that may or may not have be wrong with her would hurt as much as losing her I'm her mother and I could have handled it that's my job.

I'm hurting and I don't know how to stop.....

Christmas

So the tree went up today and the kiddies where excited but I couldn't find it in me to be as happy as I'm usually at this time of year, Usually Christmas is my favorite time of year along with my kids birthdays but this year is different, and I'm not sure how to over come that so that it doesn't reflect on the kids and all who come near me.


How do you get into the Christmas spirit when your spirit is broken??????

Amanda

Life at the moment is getting really hard

So I got news yesterday that my older sisters cancer has come back and it really bloody sucks . It sucked the first time and now it sucks 100 times more but I have hope that like the first time she will get through this she has to I'm counting on her to.

I guess I'm writing about this here because I find it hard to talk to her about it and I know that she will read this at some point, I wish I could talk to her about it but its just so hard I tell her how much I love and but I don't know that she really knows how much and how much it would kill me if she wasn't here, she has been my rock through so many things in my life and I know if she wasn't here when I lost Emily I don't know that I couldn't have coped.

It kills me when I hear that she hates doing the chemo and that she doesn't want to do it anymore but that chemo that she hates so much is what is keeping her here with me so her wanting to stop that is like she is giving up and I can't comprehend that.

Just to give you a little insight of the kind of person that my big sister is she has always excelled at everything that she puts her mind to she has always been the best at everything she does and she is a very strong person and to see someone that I look up to so very much hurting like this is unbelievably frustrating, I feel helpless here and her being there, I have know idea what I can do for her, I just wish that this had never happen to her, why did it have to happen to her.

Well anyway that's whats going on right now I really hope one day that I can write some happy news in this space.

And to you Sonia I say exactly what you said to me the day I had Emily

YOU ARE STRONG AND YOU CAN DO THIS

I Love you more then you can imagine so please don't give up

Your little sister

Finally today was my six week check up and I was looking forward to finally having some answers but scared at the same time wondering whether I could handle them telling me that it was my fault. But I needn't have worried as they didn't have any answers for me anyway, so now I'm don't know how to feel, relieved that they had nothing to tell me or shitty that it is taking so long.

And also something that has got me thinking is that on the report the doc was ready I could make out that on it said something about the placenta measuring 20 weeks so does that mean that Emily was 20 weeks gestation and if so I should be given a birth certificate and a death certificate and she should be treated like any other baby of 20 weeks she deserves that much I should think.

Amanda

I think I'm ready

I think it is time to finally hold Emily's service I have been thinking about it a lot the last couple of days and going over why it is that I'm putting it of and the reasons just do not out way the fact that she is at the hospital waiting for me to snap out of it. I have realized that even if people forget Emily once she has been put to rest I will never ever forget her and that is all that really matters.

Now we have to just find a date but how I don't know. This is so bloody stupid I shouldn't have to be deciding on a date, I should be as big as a house right now celebrating with all the other ladies who are pregnant, complaining about how hot it is and just being happy why couldn't I have my baby why did she get taken away. I was watching a program the other day about pregnant teens not sure why I put myself through it but I sat and watched the whole program and it just made me so made these little kids having their babies at 14 and 15 what makes them a better parent then me why does "he" take babies away from mothers who want them more then anything and gives them to women/children who can't even look after themselves let alone a child and many of them don't even want them and feel like they have been given this "thing" that is going to stop them from doing all that they wanted to. Why does "he" do it I just don't understand.

Anyway enough of the rambling just needed to get it of my chest I guess. On a better note I received a extremely thoughtful and beautiful gift the other day from a friend who has helped me a lot since losing Emily and I am extremely grateful to her so here is a picture of it and I haven't taking it of except for showers since I got it in the mail I love it. Thanks Melissa.