Life at the moment is getting really hard

So I got news yesterday that my older sisters cancer has come back and it really bloody sucks . It sucked the first time and now it sucks 100 times more but I have hope that like the first time she will get through this she has to I'm counting on her to.

I guess I'm writing about this here because I find it hard to talk to her about it and I know that she will read this at some point, I wish I could talk to her about it but its just so hard I tell her how much I love and but I don't know that she really knows how much and how much it would kill me if she wasn't here, she has been my rock through so many things in my life and I know if she wasn't here when I lost Emily I don't know that I couldn't have coped.

It kills me when I hear that she hates doing the chemo and that she doesn't want to do it anymore but that chemo that she hates so much is what is keeping her here with me so her wanting to stop that is like she is giving up and I can't comprehend that.

Just to give you a little insight of the kind of person that my big sister is she has always excelled at everything that she puts her mind to she has always been the best at everything she does and she is a very strong person and to see someone that I look up to so very much hurting like this is unbelievably frustrating, I feel helpless here and her being there, I have know idea what I can do for her, I just wish that this had never happen to her, why did it have to happen to her.

Well anyway that's whats going on right now I really hope one day that I can write some happy news in this space.

And to you Sonia I say exactly what you said to me the day I had Emily

YOU ARE STRONG AND YOU CAN DO THIS

I Love you more then you can imagine so please don't give up

Your little sister

Finally today was my six week check up and I was looking forward to finally having some answers but scared at the same time wondering whether I could handle them telling me that it was my fault. But I needn't have worried as they didn't have any answers for me anyway, so now I'm don't know how to feel, relieved that they had nothing to tell me or shitty that it is taking so long.

And also something that has got me thinking is that on the report the doc was ready I could make out that on it said something about the placenta measuring 20 weeks so does that mean that Emily was 20 weeks gestation and if so I should be given a birth certificate and a death certificate and she should be treated like any other baby of 20 weeks she deserves that much I should think.

Amanda

I think I'm ready

I think it is time to finally hold Emily's service I have been thinking about it a lot the last couple of days and going over why it is that I'm putting it of and the reasons just do not out way the fact that she is at the hospital waiting for me to snap out of it. I have realized that even if people forget Emily once she has been put to rest I will never ever forget her and that is all that really matters.

Now we have to just find a date but how I don't know. This is so bloody stupid I shouldn't have to be deciding on a date, I should be as big as a house right now celebrating with all the other ladies who are pregnant, complaining about how hot it is and just being happy why couldn't I have my baby why did she get taken away. I was watching a program the other day about pregnant teens not sure why I put myself through it but I sat and watched the whole program and it just made me so made these little kids having their babies at 14 and 15 what makes them a better parent then me why does "he" take babies away from mothers who want them more then anything and gives them to women/children who can't even look after themselves let alone a child and many of them don't even want them and feel like they have been given this "thing" that is going to stop them from doing all that they wanted to. Why does "he" do it I just don't understand.

Anyway enough of the rambling just needed to get it of my chest I guess. On a better note I received a extremely thoughtful and beautiful gift the other day from a friend who has helped me a lot since losing Emily and I am extremely grateful to her so here is a picture of it and I haven't taking it of except for showers since I got it in the mail I love it. Thanks Melissa.

Confused

I need help with some big decisions and everytime I ask for help the answer is always "when you decide" "when you feel the time is right" but that does not help me at all.

The question I am asking is "When should we lay my baby girl to rest"

I am in two minds about it because I know that I'm not ready to do it yet but also I know that she is waiting at the hospital for me to make a decision how can I just leave her there like that what kind of mother am I.

I would love to bring her home for a bit to be with us but she isn't cremated and I don't know how to ask if she can be and if it is ok to bring her home. I feel like she is in limbo at the hospital like she isn't here but she is, I just don't know what to do I need answers....


Amanda

The day Emily was born

The night before Emily was born I sat up talking to her asking her to move and asking my grandmother who is up there with Emily to please do something to make Emily move.

I woke up and thought for sure that Emily moved I could feel something weather it was in my head I'm not sure but I still feel it now even though I know she is no longer there.

We arrived at the hospital at around 10 am and were shown to a private room which I had always wanted when I went in to give birth but not this time, we had nurses coming in and explaining what was going to happen and the whole time I was thinking I really need to make sure this has really happened why am I still feeling her I need to see her again they need to check again before I start anything.

And that's what they did the doctor from the day before came in with the ultrasound machine and shown my mum husband and me that this was all real, there she was still lying there still and yet I still had a little hope that she would move for me.

I asked the doctor what was going to happen after I gave birth where did she go and the response I got shocked me and disgusts me still.

"The baby will be taken to the furnaces"

I looked around to mum and my husband and they to could not believe what was just said we cried when the doctor walked out it was such a shock.

So at 10.30 am we started the meds to start my labor and we waited and talked and cried.

The nurses had given me information to read while we waited about how to cope with miscarriage but who really copes with it nothing that is written on these pieces of paper is going to stop this from happening.

Mum went to the canteen and when she came back said that she had been talking to one of the nurses about what the doctor had said about Emily just going to the furnaces, and she asked if I wanted to know what was said but I really didn't want to hear anything at this point so she said she would tell me later.

We got moved to another room after a little while which had two beds (which we found out later was to be a bed for my husband so he could stay with us)and on the way there the nurse mum had been speaking to ask if mum told me what happens after and I said not yet so she told me and I'm glad she did because it made me feel a whole lot better, She said

There would be a mid-wife on later that knows more about grief and dealing with miscarriage and that she would talk to us about what we would like to do and that Emily would not be going to the furnaces and that's all I needed to hear.

One thing that she forgot to mention was that the midwife coming on duty would be like no other person I have met and someone who I know will always be part of our lives in the future, she has gotten me through some really hard times of late and I will be forever greatful to her.

I'm not to sure how long I was in labor for but I know that it was a lot different to my previous ones, I didn't take any pain medication and not because I wasn't in any pain because the pain was the same as a full term baby but maybe because I just wanted to feel her and when she finally arrived at 10.53pm I still waited for her to cry even though I knew she would not, my midwife asked if I wanted to hold her but I couldn't even look at her which I am so ashamed of now and wish I could take it back now and just hold her. My mum ended up holding Emily as my husband too was not ready to hold her, next was meant to come the placenta but it was like my body just shut down I never again got a contraction even after the shot and it made me really angry I was thinking I couldn't even do this right, I ended up having to go to theater to remove the placenta, and at this time I still had not been able to bring myself to look at Emily, after I arrived back to my room mum left and it was just my husband me and Emily in the room. I asked my husband had he see Emily yet and he said yes and asked if I was ready yet, i then asked what she looked like I was scared of seeming my own daughter how bad is that. I finally got to see her and she was beautiful I couldn't believe how beautiful she was she has the most amazing little hands and feet and a nose that looks just like her big sisters.

That night after my husband had gone to sleep I just sat and stared at Emily and when I was ready to go to sleep I put a blanket over her body so that she wouldn't get cold I know this sounds weird but it is just what I felt like I was meant to do she was my baby and I felt like if I didn't cover her she would be cold.

The next morning we had to wait for a few things to be done like my blood and the doctors to come and see me and I also wanted to talk to my midwife from the night before to see what was going to happen with Emily once we left the hospital.

The doctors visit was crap and I felt like I was an animal in a zoo on show and then a lady came in to take my blood and came up right beside Emily's crib looked in and then back at me and asked where my baby was... I could not believe it she had just look straight at my baby and didn't even realise she was there, all I said to her was that we lost our baby and she said oh sorry and finished taking my blood and left, I didn't cry until my midwife came in and I told her what had happened she apologized and said that they were not meant to talk to patients when they were taking blood because they never new what the patient was in for and clearly she didn't.

Before we left the hospital that day we had a baptism for Emily it was the first time I had actually held her and I couldn't stop crying she was so tiny, and it finally hit me that this was it the last time I would hold her and see her EVER.

We left the hospital with just a tiny bear that our midwife had given us and a numbness that still sits with me all the time.

Love you Emily xxxx

It really feels like this sometimes

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
By Terry Kettering

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and, “I’m fine,”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather;
we talk about work;
we talk about everything else—
except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about
the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say “Emily” again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about
the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her death,
perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say, “Emily” to you
and not have you look away?
For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me alone
in a room—with an elephant.


Amanda

How I'm Feeling

I thought that in this post I would answer the question that everyone is asking me...

"How are you feeling"

I'm not sure what people are expecting me to say to this question so my answer is always the same "I'm going". How else do they expect me to answer it??? Because I know they don't really what to hear the truth.

So now for the truth to the question "How are you feeling".

Frustrated, confused, ashamed, cheated, sad, angry, scared, lost and that's just the start.

Frustrated that I'm expected to go on with my life without my baby girl and frustrated at the fact that some seem to think that because I have three other children that losing Emily shouldn't matter as much.

Confused as to why this has happened to me after having three trouble free pregnancies before Emily's

Ashamed at myself for not being able to look after her as I did with her brothers and sister, ashamed at myself for laughing and having a good time when I should be sad. Ashamed at my thoughts of jealousy against other women.

Cheated because I try my hardest to be a good person and I still get dealt this awful card while others who don't live as they should seem to get it all.

Sad because I have lost my baby girl and sad that I have not been able to give my daughter the sister she has so longed for. Sad that we will never be able to have all the memories with Emily that we should be having.

Angry at who ever it is that decides who stays and who goes.

Scared that one day I will forget her scared that if I start to live again that it will give others permission to forget Emily.

And

Lost .............

So that's how I'm feeling today


Amanda