Christmas

So the tree went up today and the kiddies where excited but I couldn't find it in me to be as happy as I'm usually at this time of year, Usually Christmas is my favorite time of year along with my kids birthdays but this year is different, and I'm not sure how to over come that so that it doesn't reflect on the kids and all who come near me.


How do you get into the Christmas spirit when your spirit is broken??????

Amanda

Life at the moment is getting really hard

So I got news yesterday that my older sisters cancer has come back and it really bloody sucks . It sucked the first time and now it sucks 100 times more but I have hope that like the first time she will get through this she has to I'm counting on her to.

I guess I'm writing about this here because I find it hard to talk to her about it and I know that she will read this at some point, I wish I could talk to her about it but its just so hard I tell her how much I love and but I don't know that she really knows how much and how much it would kill me if she wasn't here, she has been my rock through so many things in my life and I know if she wasn't here when I lost Emily I don't know that I couldn't have coped.

It kills me when I hear that she hates doing the chemo and that she doesn't want to do it anymore but that chemo that she hates so much is what is keeping her here with me so her wanting to stop that is like she is giving up and I can't comprehend that.

Just to give you a little insight of the kind of person that my big sister is she has always excelled at everything that she puts her mind to she has always been the best at everything she does and she is a very strong person and to see someone that I look up to so very much hurting like this is unbelievably frustrating, I feel helpless here and her being there, I have know idea what I can do for her, I just wish that this had never happen to her, why did it have to happen to her.

Well anyway that's whats going on right now I really hope one day that I can write some happy news in this space.

And to you Sonia I say exactly what you said to me the day I had Emily

YOU ARE STRONG AND YOU CAN DO THIS

I Love you more then you can imagine so please don't give up

Your little sister

Finally today was my six week check up and I was looking forward to finally having some answers but scared at the same time wondering whether I could handle them telling me that it was my fault. But I needn't have worried as they didn't have any answers for me anyway, so now I'm don't know how to feel, relieved that they had nothing to tell me or shitty that it is taking so long.

And also something that has got me thinking is that on the report the doc was ready I could make out that on it said something about the placenta measuring 20 weeks so does that mean that Emily was 20 weeks gestation and if so I should be given a birth certificate and a death certificate and she should be treated like any other baby of 20 weeks she deserves that much I should think.

Amanda

I think I'm ready

I think it is time to finally hold Emily's service I have been thinking about it a lot the last couple of days and going over why it is that I'm putting it of and the reasons just do not out way the fact that she is at the hospital waiting for me to snap out of it. I have realized that even if people forget Emily once she has been put to rest I will never ever forget her and that is all that really matters.

Now we have to just find a date but how I don't know. This is so bloody stupid I shouldn't have to be deciding on a date, I should be as big as a house right now celebrating with all the other ladies who are pregnant, complaining about how hot it is and just being happy why couldn't I have my baby why did she get taken away. I was watching a program the other day about pregnant teens not sure why I put myself through it but I sat and watched the whole program and it just made me so made these little kids having their babies at 14 and 15 what makes them a better parent then me why does "he" take babies away from mothers who want them more then anything and gives them to women/children who can't even look after themselves let alone a child and many of them don't even want them and feel like they have been given this "thing" that is going to stop them from doing all that they wanted to. Why does "he" do it I just don't understand.

Anyway enough of the rambling just needed to get it of my chest I guess. On a better note I received a extremely thoughtful and beautiful gift the other day from a friend who has helped me a lot since losing Emily and I am extremely grateful to her so here is a picture of it and I haven't taking it of except for showers since I got it in the mail I love it. Thanks Melissa.

Confused

I need help with some big decisions and everytime I ask for help the answer is always "when you decide" "when you feel the time is right" but that does not help me at all.

The question I am asking is "When should we lay my baby girl to rest"

I am in two minds about it because I know that I'm not ready to do it yet but also I know that she is waiting at the hospital for me to make a decision how can I just leave her there like that what kind of mother am I.

I would love to bring her home for a bit to be with us but she isn't cremated and I don't know how to ask if she can be and if it is ok to bring her home. I feel like she is in limbo at the hospital like she isn't here but she is, I just don't know what to do I need answers....


Amanda

The day Emily was born

The night before Emily was born I sat up talking to her asking her to move and asking my grandmother who is up there with Emily to please do something to make Emily move.

I woke up and thought for sure that Emily moved I could feel something weather it was in my head I'm not sure but I still feel it now even though I know she is no longer there.

We arrived at the hospital at around 10 am and were shown to a private room which I had always wanted when I went in to give birth but not this time, we had nurses coming in and explaining what was going to happen and the whole time I was thinking I really need to make sure this has really happened why am I still feeling her I need to see her again they need to check again before I start anything.

And that's what they did the doctor from the day before came in with the ultrasound machine and shown my mum husband and me that this was all real, there she was still lying there still and yet I still had a little hope that she would move for me.

I asked the doctor what was going to happen after I gave birth where did she go and the response I got shocked me and disgusts me still.

"The baby will be taken to the furnaces"

I looked around to mum and my husband and they to could not believe what was just said we cried when the doctor walked out it was such a shock.

So at 10.30 am we started the meds to start my labor and we waited and talked and cried.

The nurses had given me information to read while we waited about how to cope with miscarriage but who really copes with it nothing that is written on these pieces of paper is going to stop this from happening.

Mum went to the canteen and when she came back said that she had been talking to one of the nurses about what the doctor had said about Emily just going to the furnaces, and she asked if I wanted to know what was said but I really didn't want to hear anything at this point so she said she would tell me later.

We got moved to another room after a little while which had two beds (which we found out later was to be a bed for my husband so he could stay with us)and on the way there the nurse mum had been speaking to ask if mum told me what happens after and I said not yet so she told me and I'm glad she did because it made me feel a whole lot better, She said

There would be a mid-wife on later that knows more about grief and dealing with miscarriage and that she would talk to us about what we would like to do and that Emily would not be going to the furnaces and that's all I needed to hear.

One thing that she forgot to mention was that the midwife coming on duty would be like no other person I have met and someone who I know will always be part of our lives in the future, she has gotten me through some really hard times of late and I will be forever greatful to her.

I'm not to sure how long I was in labor for but I know that it was a lot different to my previous ones, I didn't take any pain medication and not because I wasn't in any pain because the pain was the same as a full term baby but maybe because I just wanted to feel her and when she finally arrived at 10.53pm I still waited for her to cry even though I knew she would not, my midwife asked if I wanted to hold her but I couldn't even look at her which I am so ashamed of now and wish I could take it back now and just hold her. My mum ended up holding Emily as my husband too was not ready to hold her, next was meant to come the placenta but it was like my body just shut down I never again got a contraction even after the shot and it made me really angry I was thinking I couldn't even do this right, I ended up having to go to theater to remove the placenta, and at this time I still had not been able to bring myself to look at Emily, after I arrived back to my room mum left and it was just my husband me and Emily in the room. I asked my husband had he see Emily yet and he said yes and asked if I was ready yet, i then asked what she looked like I was scared of seeming my own daughter how bad is that. I finally got to see her and she was beautiful I couldn't believe how beautiful she was she has the most amazing little hands and feet and a nose that looks just like her big sisters.

That night after my husband had gone to sleep I just sat and stared at Emily and when I was ready to go to sleep I put a blanket over her body so that she wouldn't get cold I know this sounds weird but it is just what I felt like I was meant to do she was my baby and I felt like if I didn't cover her she would be cold.

The next morning we had to wait for a few things to be done like my blood and the doctors to come and see me and I also wanted to talk to my midwife from the night before to see what was going to happen with Emily once we left the hospital.

The doctors visit was crap and I felt like I was an animal in a zoo on show and then a lady came in to take my blood and came up right beside Emily's crib looked in and then back at me and asked where my baby was... I could not believe it she had just look straight at my baby and didn't even realise she was there, all I said to her was that we lost our baby and she said oh sorry and finished taking my blood and left, I didn't cry until my midwife came in and I told her what had happened she apologized and said that they were not meant to talk to patients when they were taking blood because they never new what the patient was in for and clearly she didn't.

Before we left the hospital that day we had a baptism for Emily it was the first time I had actually held her and I couldn't stop crying she was so tiny, and it finally hit me that this was it the last time I would hold her and see her EVER.

We left the hospital with just a tiny bear that our midwife had given us and a numbness that still sits with me all the time.

Love you Emily xxxx

It really feels like this sometimes

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
By Terry Kettering

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and, “I’m fine,”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather;
we talk about work;
we talk about everything else—
except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about
the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say “Emily” again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about
the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her death,
perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say, “Emily” to you
and not have you look away?
For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me alone
in a room—with an elephant.


Amanda

How I'm Feeling

I thought that in this post I would answer the question that everyone is asking me...

"How are you feeling"

I'm not sure what people are expecting me to say to this question so my answer is always the same "I'm going". How else do they expect me to answer it??? Because I know they don't really what to hear the truth.

So now for the truth to the question "How are you feeling".

Frustrated, confused, ashamed, cheated, sad, angry, scared, lost and that's just the start.

Frustrated that I'm expected to go on with my life without my baby girl and frustrated at the fact that some seem to think that because I have three other children that losing Emily shouldn't matter as much.

Confused as to why this has happened to me after having three trouble free pregnancies before Emily's

Ashamed at myself for not being able to look after her as I did with her brothers and sister, ashamed at myself for laughing and having a good time when I should be sad. Ashamed at my thoughts of jealousy against other women.

Cheated because I try my hardest to be a good person and I still get dealt this awful card while others who don't live as they should seem to get it all.

Sad because I have lost my baby girl and sad that I have not been able to give my daughter the sister she has so longed for. Sad that we will never be able to have all the memories with Emily that we should be having.

Angry at who ever it is that decides who stays and who goes.

Scared that one day I will forget her scared that if I start to live again that it will give others permission to forget Emily.

And

Lost .............

So that's how I'm feeling today


Amanda

Emily Is Back

I finally got a call yesterday from Fay my mid-wife who delivered Emily, She told me she finally had Emily with her and was really happy that she actually got her back because it is so hard to bring babies home that are earlier then 20 weeks even though Emily was only 4 days of but that doesn't mean anything to them.

Now for the hard part burying my baby girl, I'm scared that once we have buried her everyone will start to forget, now that we have got her here and there is no more waiting apart from the results from her autopsy what if people forget about her?????

I was talking to my brother the other day and I was talking to him about Emily and how even though she was not full term and we didn't know her I still lost a child and that hurts no matter how old they are. I just don't think people realise how much a baby means to you right from the start the feelings we get don't just start from when they are born we love them and care for them right from the moment we realise we are pregnant.

Why can't people understand that?

How can someone put a date on when our babies are real?

Whoever it was that put these dates into place has never lost a baby and to me there should be no set date a baby is real and a life from when they are conceived and should be recognize that way.

now I'm not sure any of that made sense I'm all of the place right now in my thoughts but just need to get it out.


Amanda

This week has been one of mixed emotions I have been sad and cried, laughed until I cried and one of utter amazement and overwhelming proudness of my eldest daughters awareness of what has happened.

It started with us cleaning up my scrapbooking room and putting Emily's name on her scrapbooking album I had bought for her while I was pregnant, (this in itself was a hard thing to do, but I felt like I needed to do something for Emily and it was meant to be for her and although it wont be full of all the pictures I had hoped for, it will still be hers). My daughter just started talking about Emily how she was still her big sister even though she is in Heaven now and how Emily will be spying on her and her brothers from up there, how Emily has the same nose as her and that Emily is her best friend. I couldn't say anything I just nodded in agreement it was breaking my heart to here her say those things but also I was so proud to have such a kind hearted daughter, she didn't want me to cry so I was trying to hide it but she new and said that it was ok to talk about Emily. She said she wished that Emily was still here but knows that she is still around us... When did my baby girl grow up???

Also this week my husband made some paves of our kids feet and made one for Emily as well they are now taking pride of place in our front garden for all to see It was such a lovely thought and I think a great way for him to shows his love for Emily.

That's about all I can think of right now and hopefully next time Ill have news on when we will finally get Emily back.


Amanda

Whats on my mind

I have been sitting here trying to put into words how I felt the day I gave birth to Emily but can't seem to find the right words, and I am angry at myself for this and frustrated too for I should know how I feel shouldn't I ??? Why can't I express it ????? everyone else seems to be able to write it down but I can't.

I just feel numb...

My daughter came into the bathroom the other day while I was showering and asked if we could go somewhere today. I hate that she has to ask me that, I hate that it is so hard to go anywhere but I can't help it. What if I run into someone I know? What will I say and how am I suppose to act????


My Husband asked me today if he had done something wrong, I told him "no" and asked why he thought it. He said because I seemed angry at him. I then when on to tell him that I just wasn't interested in anyone else' s lives right now because what they were going through was nothing compared to what we were going through, and that I couldn't believe how fast people had just forgotten about Emily and carried on with there day to day lives when all I want to do is talk about her.
The only other person I feel who hasn't forgotten is my father in-law who always wants to talk about it and is not scared to bring her up in conversation. As much as people may think that I don't want to talk about her or they don't want to upset me, it just makes me feel bad for wanting to talk about her, I think twice about bringing her up because nobody else is and It makes me question why I like talking about her all the time. Is it wrong for me to want that???? I just don't know.

I want to share a picture of Emily to me she is just beautiful and maybe if I share her picture others will remember her and she will not be forgotten

Emily Jean Radel 07-10-09

Now what?, I don't know I 've gone blank again. I've never had so many thoughts going on in my head but not been able to express them. It hurts so much but I can't get it out......

I guess I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.

Amanda

The Day My World Shattered

Today is two weeks to the day that my world shattered.


My life was great I was 19 weeks pregnant with my baby girl who was to be the completion of my perfect family 2girls and 2 boys. Who could have asked for more?

Now I am in limbo...

Most of the time not knowing how to feel or act and just wanting to wake up from this nightmare.

It was a Tuesday and I had a routine doctors appointment, 2 weeks earlier I had found out that we were expecting a baby girl which we were all very excited about, she was perfect had ten little toes and ten little fingers and a strong heartbeat. My three kids and I walked out of the scan excited and happy that we had our little girl.

But that was all to change on this Tuesday that I would never forget no matter how much I wished it had never happened.

I had dropped my three kids of at there Nana's while I went and done the shopping and then of to my doctors appointment, I was excited because I knew every appointment lead me that much closer to having my little girl in my arms and to hear her heartbeat was just magical, but that was not to happen this time.

My doctor had told me that they had found somethings on the scan that may be of concern to me but that at this stage they were not to worried as there was nothing else to coincide with it to warrant concern and as I had also heard the same things with my youngest son I wasn't concerned as he is perfect. She did however tell me that I may be in for a c-section because of my placenta lying in the way and I was worried about that I had never had one before and was not looking forward to it. If only that was all that was wrong I would have gone through anything now other then having to go through this.

Then came the time when we got to listen to her heartbeat and I couldn't wait, but the Doctor was having trouble finding it. I asked if that was a bad thing did that mean that something was wrong she told me not necessarily and she didn't seem worried at all. She then went out and got an ultrasound machine and I remember talking to my baby girl asking her to move and I think somewhere deep inside knew that she wasn't ok,Then Doctor came back in with the machine and that is when I seen my baby girl on the screen to me she looked perfect she was facing us with her little hand up at her chin, just beautiful to see. But then came the words I can't get out of my head

"I'm Sorry I can't find her heartbeat".

I was in shock I didn't cry at first just sat there thinking... what do you mean, I can see her there she is ok you must be wrong check again. But as much as I wished it wasn't true it was and I just crumbled could not control the crying after that.

This was one of the hardest days of my life and sadly not the last.




Amanda

My First Blog

I'm sitting here wondering how to start, what to write how do I express in words how I am feeling??????

How do I express how it feels to have someone so precious taken away from me so soon and for what reason???

So many questions and no answers....





Amanda