Emily Is Back

I finally got a call yesterday from Fay my mid-wife who delivered Emily, She told me she finally had Emily with her and was really happy that she actually got her back because it is so hard to bring babies home that are earlier then 20 weeks even though Emily was only 4 days of but that doesn't mean anything to them.

Now for the hard part burying my baby girl, I'm scared that once we have buried her everyone will start to forget, now that we have got her here and there is no more waiting apart from the results from her autopsy what if people forget about her?????

I was talking to my brother the other day and I was talking to him about Emily and how even though she was not full term and we didn't know her I still lost a child and that hurts no matter how old they are. I just don't think people realise how much a baby means to you right from the start the feelings we get don't just start from when they are born we love them and care for them right from the moment we realise we are pregnant.

Why can't people understand that?

How can someone put a date on when our babies are real?

Whoever it was that put these dates into place has never lost a baby and to me there should be no set date a baby is real and a life from when they are conceived and should be recognize that way.

now I'm not sure any of that made sense I'm all of the place right now in my thoughts but just need to get it out.


Amanda

This week has been one of mixed emotions I have been sad and cried, laughed until I cried and one of utter amazement and overwhelming proudness of my eldest daughters awareness of what has happened.

It started with us cleaning up my scrapbooking room and putting Emily's name on her scrapbooking album I had bought for her while I was pregnant, (this in itself was a hard thing to do, but I felt like I needed to do something for Emily and it was meant to be for her and although it wont be full of all the pictures I had hoped for, it will still be hers). My daughter just started talking about Emily how she was still her big sister even though she is in Heaven now and how Emily will be spying on her and her brothers from up there, how Emily has the same nose as her and that Emily is her best friend. I couldn't say anything I just nodded in agreement it was breaking my heart to here her say those things but also I was so proud to have such a kind hearted daughter, she didn't want me to cry so I was trying to hide it but she new and said that it was ok to talk about Emily. She said she wished that Emily was still here but knows that she is still around us... When did my baby girl grow up???

Also this week my husband made some paves of our kids feet and made one for Emily as well they are now taking pride of place in our front garden for all to see It was such a lovely thought and I think a great way for him to shows his love for Emily.

That's about all I can think of right now and hopefully next time Ill have news on when we will finally get Emily back.


Amanda

Whats on my mind

I have been sitting here trying to put into words how I felt the day I gave birth to Emily but can't seem to find the right words, and I am angry at myself for this and frustrated too for I should know how I feel shouldn't I ??? Why can't I express it ????? everyone else seems to be able to write it down but I can't.

I just feel numb...

My daughter came into the bathroom the other day while I was showering and asked if we could go somewhere today. I hate that she has to ask me that, I hate that it is so hard to go anywhere but I can't help it. What if I run into someone I know? What will I say and how am I suppose to act????


My Husband asked me today if he had done something wrong, I told him "no" and asked why he thought it. He said because I seemed angry at him. I then when on to tell him that I just wasn't interested in anyone else' s lives right now because what they were going through was nothing compared to what we were going through, and that I couldn't believe how fast people had just forgotten about Emily and carried on with there day to day lives when all I want to do is talk about her.
The only other person I feel who hasn't forgotten is my father in-law who always wants to talk about it and is not scared to bring her up in conversation. As much as people may think that I don't want to talk about her or they don't want to upset me, it just makes me feel bad for wanting to talk about her, I think twice about bringing her up because nobody else is and It makes me question why I like talking about her all the time. Is it wrong for me to want that???? I just don't know.

I want to share a picture of Emily to me she is just beautiful and maybe if I share her picture others will remember her and she will not be forgotten

Emily Jean Radel 07-10-09

Now what?, I don't know I 've gone blank again. I've never had so many thoughts going on in my head but not been able to express them. It hurts so much but I can't get it out......

I guess I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.

Amanda

The Day My World Shattered

Today is two weeks to the day that my world shattered.


My life was great I was 19 weeks pregnant with my baby girl who was to be the completion of my perfect family 2girls and 2 boys. Who could have asked for more?

Now I am in limbo...

Most of the time not knowing how to feel or act and just wanting to wake up from this nightmare.

It was a Tuesday and I had a routine doctors appointment, 2 weeks earlier I had found out that we were expecting a baby girl which we were all very excited about, she was perfect had ten little toes and ten little fingers and a strong heartbeat. My three kids and I walked out of the scan excited and happy that we had our little girl.

But that was all to change on this Tuesday that I would never forget no matter how much I wished it had never happened.

I had dropped my three kids of at there Nana's while I went and done the shopping and then of to my doctors appointment, I was excited because I knew every appointment lead me that much closer to having my little girl in my arms and to hear her heartbeat was just magical, but that was not to happen this time.

My doctor had told me that they had found somethings on the scan that may be of concern to me but that at this stage they were not to worried as there was nothing else to coincide with it to warrant concern and as I had also heard the same things with my youngest son I wasn't concerned as he is perfect. She did however tell me that I may be in for a c-section because of my placenta lying in the way and I was worried about that I had never had one before and was not looking forward to it. If only that was all that was wrong I would have gone through anything now other then having to go through this.

Then came the time when we got to listen to her heartbeat and I couldn't wait, but the Doctor was having trouble finding it. I asked if that was a bad thing did that mean that something was wrong she told me not necessarily and she didn't seem worried at all. She then went out and got an ultrasound machine and I remember talking to my baby girl asking her to move and I think somewhere deep inside knew that she wasn't ok,Then Doctor came back in with the machine and that is when I seen my baby girl on the screen to me she looked perfect she was facing us with her little hand up at her chin, just beautiful to see. But then came the words I can't get out of my head

"I'm Sorry I can't find her heartbeat".

I was in shock I didn't cry at first just sat there thinking... what do you mean, I can see her there she is ok you must be wrong check again. But as much as I wished it wasn't true it was and I just crumbled could not control the crying after that.

This was one of the hardest days of my life and sadly not the last.




Amanda

My First Blog

I'm sitting here wondering how to start, what to write how do I express in words how I am feeling??????

How do I express how it feels to have someone so precious taken away from me so soon and for what reason???

So many questions and no answers....





Amanda