Whats on my mind

I have been sitting here trying to put into words how I felt the day I gave birth to Emily but can't seem to find the right words, and I am angry at myself for this and frustrated too for I should know how I feel shouldn't I ??? Why can't I express it ????? everyone else seems to be able to write it down but I can't.

I just feel numb...

My daughter came into the bathroom the other day while I was showering and asked if we could go somewhere today. I hate that she has to ask me that, I hate that it is so hard to go anywhere but I can't help it. What if I run into someone I know? What will I say and how am I suppose to act????


My Husband asked me today if he had done something wrong, I told him "no" and asked why he thought it. He said because I seemed angry at him. I then when on to tell him that I just wasn't interested in anyone else' s lives right now because what they were going through was nothing compared to what we were going through, and that I couldn't believe how fast people had just forgotten about Emily and carried on with there day to day lives when all I want to do is talk about her.
The only other person I feel who hasn't forgotten is my father in-law who always wants to talk about it and is not scared to bring her up in conversation. As much as people may think that I don't want to talk about her or they don't want to upset me, it just makes me feel bad for wanting to talk about her, I think twice about bringing her up because nobody else is and It makes me question why I like talking about her all the time. Is it wrong for me to want that???? I just don't know.

I want to share a picture of Emily to me she is just beautiful and maybe if I share her picture others will remember her and she will not be forgotten

Emily Jean Radel 07-10-09

Now what?, I don't know I 've gone blank again. I've never had so many thoughts going on in my head but not been able to express them. It hurts so much but I can't get it out......

I guess I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.

Amanda