How I'm Feeling

I thought that in this post I would answer the question that everyone is asking me...

"How are you feeling"

I'm not sure what people are expecting me to say to this question so my answer is always the same "I'm going". How else do they expect me to answer it??? Because I know they don't really what to hear the truth.

So now for the truth to the question "How are you feeling".

Frustrated, confused, ashamed, cheated, sad, angry, scared, lost and that's just the start.

Frustrated that I'm expected to go on with my life without my baby girl and frustrated at the fact that some seem to think that because I have three other children that losing Emily shouldn't matter as much.

Confused as to why this has happened to me after having three trouble free pregnancies before Emily's

Ashamed at myself for not being able to look after her as I did with her brothers and sister, ashamed at myself for laughing and having a good time when I should be sad. Ashamed at my thoughts of jealousy against other women.

Cheated because I try my hardest to be a good person and I still get dealt this awful card while others who don't live as they should seem to get it all.

Sad because I have lost my baby girl and sad that I have not been able to give my daughter the sister she has so longed for. Sad that we will never be able to have all the memories with Emily that we should be having.

Angry at who ever it is that decides who stays and who goes.

Scared that one day I will forget her scared that if I start to live again that it will give others permission to forget Emily.

And

Lost .............

So that's how I'm feeling today


Amanda