The day Emily was born

The night before Emily was born I sat up talking to her asking her to move and asking my grandmother who is up there with Emily to please do something to make Emily move.

I woke up and thought for sure that Emily moved I could feel something weather it was in my head I'm not sure but I still feel it now even though I know she is no longer there.

We arrived at the hospital at around 10 am and were shown to a private room which I had always wanted when I went in to give birth but not this time, we had nurses coming in and explaining what was going to happen and the whole time I was thinking I really need to make sure this has really happened why am I still feeling her I need to see her again they need to check again before I start anything.

And that's what they did the doctor from the day before came in with the ultrasound machine and shown my mum husband and me that this was all real, there she was still lying there still and yet I still had a little hope that she would move for me.

I asked the doctor what was going to happen after I gave birth where did she go and the response I got shocked me and disgusts me still.

"The baby will be taken to the furnaces"

I looked around to mum and my husband and they to could not believe what was just said we cried when the doctor walked out it was such a shock.

So at 10.30 am we started the meds to start my labor and we waited and talked and cried.

The nurses had given me information to read while we waited about how to cope with miscarriage but who really copes with it nothing that is written on these pieces of paper is going to stop this from happening.

Mum went to the canteen and when she came back said that she had been talking to one of the nurses about what the doctor had said about Emily just going to the furnaces, and she asked if I wanted to know what was said but I really didn't want to hear anything at this point so she said she would tell me later.

We got moved to another room after a little while which had two beds (which we found out later was to be a bed for my husband so he could stay with us)and on the way there the nurse mum had been speaking to ask if mum told me what happens after and I said not yet so she told me and I'm glad she did because it made me feel a whole lot better, She said

There would be a mid-wife on later that knows more about grief and dealing with miscarriage and that she would talk to us about what we would like to do and that Emily would not be going to the furnaces and that's all I needed to hear.

One thing that she forgot to mention was that the midwife coming on duty would be like no other person I have met and someone who I know will always be part of our lives in the future, she has gotten me through some really hard times of late and I will be forever greatful to her.

I'm not to sure how long I was in labor for but I know that it was a lot different to my previous ones, I didn't take any pain medication and not because I wasn't in any pain because the pain was the same as a full term baby but maybe because I just wanted to feel her and when she finally arrived at 10.53pm I still waited for her to cry even though I knew she would not, my midwife asked if I wanted to hold her but I couldn't even look at her which I am so ashamed of now and wish I could take it back now and just hold her. My mum ended up holding Emily as my husband too was not ready to hold her, next was meant to come the placenta but it was like my body just shut down I never again got a contraction even after the shot and it made me really angry I was thinking I couldn't even do this right, I ended up having to go to theater to remove the placenta, and at this time I still had not been able to bring myself to look at Emily, after I arrived back to my room mum left and it was just my husband me and Emily in the room. I asked my husband had he see Emily yet and he said yes and asked if I was ready yet, i then asked what she looked like I was scared of seeming my own daughter how bad is that. I finally got to see her and she was beautiful I couldn't believe how beautiful she was she has the most amazing little hands and feet and a nose that looks just like her big sisters.

That night after my husband had gone to sleep I just sat and stared at Emily and when I was ready to go to sleep I put a blanket over her body so that she wouldn't get cold I know this sounds weird but it is just what I felt like I was meant to do she was my baby and I felt like if I didn't cover her she would be cold.

The next morning we had to wait for a few things to be done like my blood and the doctors to come and see me and I also wanted to talk to my midwife from the night before to see what was going to happen with Emily once we left the hospital.

The doctors visit was crap and I felt like I was an animal in a zoo on show and then a lady came in to take my blood and came up right beside Emily's crib looked in and then back at me and asked where my baby was... I could not believe it she had just look straight at my baby and didn't even realise she was there, all I said to her was that we lost our baby and she said oh sorry and finished taking my blood and left, I didn't cry until my midwife came in and I told her what had happened she apologized and said that they were not meant to talk to patients when they were taking blood because they never new what the patient was in for and clearly she didn't.

Before we left the hospital that day we had a baptism for Emily it was the first time I had actually held her and I couldn't stop crying she was so tiny, and it finally hit me that this was it the last time I would hold her and see her EVER.

We left the hospital with just a tiny bear that our midwife had given us and a numbness that still sits with me all the time.

Love you Emily xxxx